The guy I hated on the bus this morning.

You know what one of my big pet peeves on the bus is? It's the guy who, when the bus hits "standing room only" status, thinks it's okay for him to stand in the stairwell for the back door. Sure, this is a comfortable place to be -- you can lean back against the sides of the stairwell there and can keep your balance pretty easily. I get it. I really do. And, actually, this is an okay place to stand as long as you are being HYPER-aware of the passengers around you -- especially the ones, like me, who are about to get off the bus. But you can't just plant yourself in there and not pay attention. Not unless you want to incur my wrath, Rude Boy.

When the little *ding* rings, the one that means someone wants the next stop, you need to move yourself out of the way so that I can use that stairwell. You need to do it well in advance of that stop, so that you do not delay me. If the bus is really, really crowded, of course, this is going to be next to impossible because there won't be anywhere for you to go. In that case, you are an ass for standing in the stairwell to begin with, because, well, what were you thinking would happen when someone needed to leave via that door? Were you thinking we knew some "Crouching Tiger" move that would send us gracefully flying over your head and out onto the sidewalk? Because, though I am lovely and smoothly-shaped, I am not a CGI-enhanced special effect. Much as I would sincerely love to be.

If it was the very last spot to stand on the most crowded bus in bus-crowd history, then, okay, I can see the need to stand there. In that case, however, please take note: what you need to do when it's time for me to get off is NOT attempt to flatten yourself to make room for me to squeeze by, because there isn't room for two people in that stairwell. And if I have to try to slink by you and your massively oversized, SUV of a backpack, I'm going to get peevish. No, what you need to do -- listen up! -- is GET OFF the bus, wait for me to get off myself, and then get back on and continue to occupy your ridiculous amount of space.

You, guy who was in the stairwell this morning with your iPod in your ears, your complete lack of fellow-passenger awareness, and your gigantic backpack? I hate you. And the same goes for you, guy who was standing behind him with your iPod in YOUR ears who also wasn't paying any attention to the fact people needed to GET THE HELL OFF THE BUS. MOVE IT, PEOPLE! MOVE IT!

Thank you, and welcome to Scenes from the Bus.