Low-rise jeans -- Are they really for you?

As I was riding home on the bus last night, I suddenly realized that I hadn't noticed anything interesting yet. I mean, here I start this blog, purporting to be about all the strange, fascinating things I see every day on the bus, and I'm halfway home with nothing to say.

But then I saw her. Butt-Crack Girl. And I knew I'd been saved. You see, I hadn't noticed her earlier on because she'd been sitting in the middle seats -- the bench ones that put your back to the street instead of to the rear of the bus. But she was preparing to get off soon, and it was when she turned her back to me to put on her coat that I realized I had my inspiration.

Butt-Crack Girl, in case you haven't met her yet, is a member of the club an unfortunate number of women these days belong to. It's the club of people who wear low-rise jeans and shouldn't.

BCG turned her back to me and lifted her arms to put them in her coat sleeves. And I knew instantly something terribly, terribly bad was about to happen. Up, up went her shirt and then -- ugh! There it was! Butt-Crack Girl's butt-crack! Right there for us all to see! I thought, maybe, maybe it'll all be over soon. But, no, no, noooooo! She was having trouble with her coat! She was twisting and turning and shifting and all I could see was ASS ASS ASS. ASS EVERYWHERE! As far as the eye could see!

Now, all of you women who are wearing low-rise jeans, tell me this. Are you not AWARE of the fact your ass-crack is constantly being exposed? Or do you just not care? Or do you, god-forbid, actually think people see that and think, "Ooh, sexy!"? Because even if you think this has never happened to you since you began wearing low-rise jeans, I'm here to tell you it has. I see at least three female butt-cracks a week these days, and the women displaying them seem to be completely unaware that it's happening.

Back when I was a kid, pretty much the most horrifying thing that could ever happen to you would be to have your butt-crack be seen. We called it a "plumber's crack" and it would make you an instant target for weeks and weeks of mercilous teasing. I'm glad so many women today are confident enough to be willing to go outside wearing the most unflattering pants they've ever owned -- so confident, in fact, they actually think they look GOOD. But you women -- listen up:

I, and the rest of the modern world, am tired of seeing your ass. Put it away. And buy jeans with a higher rise. You'll look a hundred times classier. You'll look a hundred times sexier. And, what's more, you won't completely horrify and disgust the entire back of the bus when you shift around to put on your coat.

We who keep our butt-cracks safely stored away will salute you.